Resurrected: Numbers are evil

After all the Sturm und Drang about the stock market, I thought it was appropriate to republish one of my earliest posts. In fact, this January 2005 post dates back to my original blog, which was on Blogger. Later, I changed to TypePad because Blogger was so glitchy. Now TypePad is getting glitchy. But that's another story.

Anyway, I wasn't entirely serious about this post, but maybe a little.

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Some people allegedly have a love affair with numbers. I'm the opposite. I have a hate affair with them. Long ago I came to the conclusion that numbers are evil.

Think about it. When are there ever any good numbers? Numbers only depress us. "Oh, God, I've turned forty." "The stock market is down ten percent." "I just got a bill for $300!" "My sales figures are off by 25%." "My car has 100,000 miles on it - how much longer can it last?" "The federal deficit is four hundred billion!"

I say again: NUMBERS ARE EVIL. The Bible is wrong in saying that money (or the love of it) is the root of all evil. Numbers are the root of all evil.

I hate numbers.

What a pleasant world it would be without numbers. "How many books did I sell? Enough." "How old am I? As old as I feel." "The stock market? What's that?" "The deficit? What's a deficit?" "A bill? You mean like on a duck?"

A numberless world - that's the place for me!

Now you might say, "But wait. What if the stock market goes up? Or your sales improve? Or we're running a surplus? Then numbers are good!"

But if you were to say such a foolish thing (which I very much doubt you would), you would be very wrong. Because "good" numbers are the most evil of all!

When the stock market goes up, all that happens is we get a false sense of security and a puffed-up ego. Same with sales figures or the deficit. "Good" numbers make us focus on the wrong stuff - money, prestige, success, our own cleverness and goodness, as contrasted with the stupidity and vileness of others.

"Good" numbers inflate our ego - which is bad. So good numbers are bad. And bad numbers are bad. Therefore, all numbers are bad. Bad things are evil. Numbers are evil. Q.E.D.

There is nothing good about numbers.

Additional proof: Mathematical types are irritating dweebs.

And a final, clenching argument: In a world without numbers, you would never have to balance your checkbook.

We would all be better off without numbers.

I rest my case.

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2009 addendum: Did you notice that one of my examples of bad-numbers news was, "The stock market is down ten percent"?

Those were the days!

Comments

[Sandy]

Mathematical types are irritating dweebs.

Michael! How dare you! Mathematically gifted men are incredibly hot. At least the one I’m married to is hot, lol. (I do admit to a bit of a bias.)

I love numbers. When I analyze stuff in the lab, it is just strings of numbers coming out of machines at first. But then you plot them and look for any interesting correlations; the most awesome part is that you never know what you may discover. If you make friends with numbers they can tell amazing stories about what the world was like before we ever got here.

[TomC]

i dont think that there are THAT many hot, mathematically gifted men/women- sandy, you found a goldmine with your man :-P

it's like i heard alot of women say how they love dating dorky, geeky guys because they're so smart- but really? really? they only want to date HOT guys who also happen to be gifted, and very slightly (VERY) dorky...

a case in point, if the tv show 'Chuck' is played by a real nerd- or the star wars kid (video of a kid pretending to wield a lightsaber..you seen it right?)- i doubt that i would hear women saying 'chuck' is so hot.....and of course, the tv show would have tanked too.....pfff....pleeeeease..

on the topic about numbers being evil..
i love the satirical look at the numbers, but i would just like to add that it's not the numbers themselves that are evil- but more like, our tendency to compare and compete with each other.....a number is just a tool that we use to aid the comparison...even without money or numbers, we would still say- my dorky, math-gifted husband is hotter and smarter than your husband......etc. etc...

but then without that tendency to measure yourself against others, we wouldn't have striven as hard as we would..

"Later, I changed to TypePad because Blogger was so glitchy. Now TypePad is getting glitchy. But that's another story."

You could try seting up a free forum on proboards.com.

http://www.proboards.com/signup.cgi

You can configure a forum so that only you can start a new thread but then your loyal commenters can have proper online discussions. It will force commenters to register which will reduce the number of thoughtless and snide replies ;). Members can easily see when new comments have been made to old posts so converstations can continue after the next post is up and restart if new comments are made. Comments can be edited after posting so they'll be easier to read with fewer typeo's, missing words, etc. You can keep blogging with blog software but direct the comments to a proboards forum.

Also, mathematical types are often talented musicians.

[Michael H]

I take your point, MP, but in truth numbers in themselves have no inherent moral attributes. Where we get into trouble with numbers is when we arbitrarily choose to attach inappropriate significance to them.

And I think we all tend to do that to varying degrees. Whether it's a business environment that is driven to achieve budgetary goals (while forgetting that those goals were established based on estimates of countless unknown factors), or the common focus on our individual earnings as opposed to Mr. Jones, or the wild mood swings we experience that appear to be directly related to the equally wild gyrations of our investment choices . . . we all do it.

The math dweebs are particularly vulnerable. Some of them, like Max Tegmark and the string theorists, become so enamored with numbers that they manage to convince themselves that they can actually explain all of existence by numbers. (Pythagoras apparently thought so too, but he saw numbers quite differently from the aforementioned math dweebs.)

As TomC mentions, numbers are valuable tools. The danger has to do with our tendency to forget that that's all they are.

[dmduncan]

Money is number too. So is the job. Counting off how many ticks of the clock you've worked and how many cents each tick is worth.

I think you may have a real point in there somewhere. Numbers play their part in regimenting and mechanizing the human race, while the more human qualities, like compassion, don't care about numbers or counting.

[Zetetic_chick]

Off-topic but important (at least interesting):

http://www.naturalnews.com/025627.html

[Barbara]

Maths is a language without emotional content. But we humans can easily get round that.

666 -number of the Beast; not good it's true. But:
13 -lucky for some.
3 -usually good (third time lucky)
110% - impossibly high.
Lottery winning numbers -yippee!!

[Barbara]

Sandy, what does your logical hubbie think about the salamanders?

[Sandy]

i dont think that there are THAT many hot, mathematically gifted men/women- sandy, you found a goldmine with your man :-P

TomC, I think there are just as many hot, mathematically gifted people as there are hot people who struggle with math.

I lived in the states for a couple of years, and I was amazed at some of the attitudes towards “geeks”. At a “Girl’s Night Out” party that I was invited to, the women had this idea that in order to attract a man one had to appear to be thin, blonde and stupid. Then you had to pop out a few kids before he left you for someone thinner, blonder, stupider and younger. That way he would have to at least send you support payments for the kids. Most of the women at the party were married to scientists and engineers, because such guys have reliable paychecks, I suppose. Getting married seemed to have very little to do with falling in love (or even about sex). It was more about survival.

I actually had a woman there suggest that I was lucky to have gotten a man to marry me as I am. After all, I’m a smart, rubenesque redhead. And I’m not very good at the make-up and fashion stuff. I have more pairs of hiking boots than heels. And what’s really bad is that I like math and science (as opposed to shopping). I can even support myself financially. Heaven forbid that anyone might find me attractive!

[Sandy]

Sandy, what does your logical hubbie think about the salamanders?

Barbara, my poor logical hubbie has his issues with the weird stuff. I don’t really bring up such topics very often. I didn’t tell him about the salamanders, but he did comment on the fact that I seemed especially happy when I got home from my walk that day. He knows I’m odd, he is working on accepting that part of me. I guess every marriage has issues, and this certainly isn’t the worst thing to have to adjust to.

[Bryan.A]

U sir are my Hero!

If you ever happen to run for or reincarnate into Mr.President,please do something about it >.<

Even the law study im doing right now is pissing me off with numbers.

Numberhaters unite!

[dmduncan]

Thanks for that link, ZC. Randi changes the previously agreed upon rules and then blames the other guy for pulling out?

"BOOOCK-bock-bock," said the chicken.

[Susan J.]

Maybe it should be named "Anticalculia"???