One of the most helpful books I've read - which I'm presently rereading - is Barbara Sher's It's Only Too Late If You Don't Start Now. It's a book about midlife crisis and why it's unnecessary.
Sher's basic point is that for our first four decades, we are creatures of narcissism - products of biology, she would say. I would amend this to "biology + ego." From babyhood onward, we demand to be the center of attention. We want praise. We want adoration. We want unconditional love. And we will go to almost any lengths to obtain it. We will drive ourselves to exhaustion chasing big-money, high-status careers. We will knock ourselves out seeking romantic infatuation which rarely lasts. We will stew in our juices if we are overlooked, ignored, or taken for granted. And all because we believe that the universe does - or should - revolve around us.
Then we hit midlife and have a crisis. Why? Because it becomes painfully obvious that the universe does not revolve around us. And no amount of success, approval, or even love is enough to fill the void of our unmet narcissistic needs.
So we get depressed. We've been on the fast track for years, and now it turns out to be a fast track to nowhere. Our childish and adolescent dreams of power and status suddenly seem hollow, but we have nothing to replace them with.
Except we do. What we replace them with is our authentic selves. And this, says Sher, is the magic key that unlocks the second half of our lives. We can forget all about impressing others and trying to hog the spotlight and trying to win the race. We now see through the ego-driven, biology-driven impulses that made us compete for affection and prestige. We are finally free to be who we really are. We can stop fretting about keeping up with the neighbors, crunching our abs, turning heads at the singles bar, or "making something" of ourselves, and start just living, learning, and enjoying the experience.
Of course there's a lot more to it than that. If you or anyone you know is having a midlife crisis, give Sher's wisdom a chance. There's a lot to learn.
Below is one of my favorite passages from the book, something I first read six years ago and have always remembered. It has to do with our zany insistence on compiling impossibly long, never-to-be-completed to-do lists.
When my son was living in Italy, he had a friend named Pietro. One day Pietro was commenting on Americans and their to-to lists. He said, "You, Mateo, like all Americans, put down many things on your list, and all the day long you try very hard to do them, and you cross them off one by one. But at night, when you go to sleep, always there are some things left on your list, so you are failure.
"I wake up, and I have only one thing on my list. Today I go to visit my friend Mateo. I take a shower and dress myself. I drink a cup of coffee. I buy a good bottle of wine and take the bus to the house of my friend. We spend a very good afternoon. We talk, perhaps we walk. At night I go home and cross this thing off my list, and when I go to sleep, I am a success."
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