The staggering genius of Hollywood stars
A little while ago, Brad Pitt made headlines when he announced that he would not marry Angelina Jolie until gay marriage was legal in the US. Many bloggers commented on the stupefying brilliance of Pitt's statement, which simultaneously enables him to a) continue sleeping with Jolie, b) avoid getting hitched, and c) maintain the moral high ground. One of Pitt's admirers, the blogger known as Ace of Spades, even came up with a helpful list of other high-minded excuses for questionable male behavior, including:
10. "I cannot do a dish-washing until all minefields are cleared for the world's children."
5. "Watching TBS' Shark Week for thirty three hours nonstop is my silent protest against CIA defoliant operations against South American coca farmers."
3. "If I give you the television remote, then the terrorists have won."
One AOS commenter pointed out that Pitt might have an additional reason to shy clear of matrimony with Jolie, beyond the normal male aversion to commitment - namely, that Jolie is "crazy as a bag full of ferrets on crack." Another trenchantly observed, "This is the chick who used to wear blood around her neck, who nearly made out with her brother, and has adopted half of the world's ugliest children.... Seriously, if I'm Pitt, I'd be frightened of this woman. This may be the most creative way yet of chewing his paw out of the coyote trap."
No matter how you look at it, Pitt's move was a master stroke. But now comes word that George Clooney has one-upped his Ocean's Eleven and Ocean's Twelve costar.
According to USA Today, Clooney has developed a foolproof plan for defeating the paparazzi.
"Here is my theory on debunking photographs in magazines, you know, the paparazzi photographs," Clooney says in the November issue of Vanity Fair, on newsstands Oct. 10. "I want to spend every single night for three months going out with a different famous actress. You know, Halle Berry one night, Salma Hayek the next, and then walk on the beach holding hands with Leonardo DiCaprio.
"People would still buy the magazines, they'd still buy the pictures, but they would always go, 'I don't know if these guys were putting us on or not.'"
Now, this, you have to admit, is sheer, unadulterated genius. Not because it would damage the paparazzi, but because on the pretext of fighting tabloids, Clooney gets to go out with "a different famous actress" every night for three months. That's 90 dates in a row with some of the most beautiful and glamorous, albeit narcissistic and emotionally unstable, women in the world. It's a veritable cornucopia of erotic delights!
Admittedly, I'm not sure what Leonardo DiCaprio is doing on the roster, or how he feels about being called a famous actress. I mean, he's not really that famous.
Anyway, the beauty part of this plan is that instead of being condemned as a slick manipulator, a love-'em-and-leave-'em con artist, a jaded lothario, Clooney will actually be admired for his behavior. Admired not only by the public and his colleagues, but by the women themselves, who will be happy to know that they are only one-night stands, with no commitments, no strings attached, and that whatever they do for or with Clooney is merely their personal contribution to the cause of celebrity privacy.
But only when we put the two stars' statements together do we see the true scope of their awe-inspiring intellects. Because what we then have is a working formula for the ULTIMATE MALE FANTASY, in which a guy can date all the beautiful woman he wants, night after night after night, and never have to marry any of them, with no adverse consequences to his reputation or image.
Like most people, I had always assumed that Hollywood stars are mostly idiots.
I stand corrected.
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